Isn't it funny....

.... how just a couple of words, put together (in a quick little email) can change a whole outlook on things...
What a shitty week it has been...
Nothing life threatning, so i guess i should just wake up to myself and get over it, there are many many things worse than this, but why is it just so hard to contemplate....????

I received a very strange email from one of my best friends this week. Actually, she sent it over a week ago, but cause of my STUPID computer, i didn't see it till the middle of this week... And whoa!!!!!! Wasn't that a huge slap on the face...
I love my friend so dearly and out of respect for her, i wont go into what she has/is going through in her life, on here, but she has had a really really tuff year... As best as i could, i reached out to her, as i or anyone would naturally do and (i think) she knows i am ALWAYS here for her, but she has (i think) needed to get through these times on her own, in her own way... I respect her for that, i don't want to smother her, even though i have so wanted to badly, so often. But that's not the right thing to do, for her sake...
I haven't really heard from her much this year with all that has been going on and i understand that... But then to get a 'what the' email from her, it has just blown me completely away...
Since something happened a couple of months ago, i have been so worried & upset and i guess depressed about it and it just wont go away... i can't stop thinking about what might of been and what could of been.. What could i have done to change things, to fix things.. All the What if's. and i just can't seem to answer them... I wake up in the middle of the night in a heap of tears, i have nightmares, i get so lonely & sad, i just can't stop thinking!!!!!!!!
I have never told her this, its not her worry.. She has enough to worry about without listening/knowing my stupid thoughts!!!!!!!!!!
Anyhow, im raving on now... I know what im thinking & i know what i want to say, but its probably best just to keep it to myself and i guess GET OVER IT!!!!!!!

This week has not only been a hard week (cause of the above), but it has been the anniversary of my grandfathers death...
Now if anyone around me heard me say that, they would say 'what the???' as i have never had anything to do with my grandfather... I think i have seen him about 10 times in my 30yrs.. & probably only spoken, like a quick hello, to him about 5 times... AND that was cause i said it first!!!!!!!
Anyhow, in support of my mum (who he also had nothing to do with) i went to the funeral with her. That was Thursday 26th of May 2005... I was the one that ended up in the HUGE blubbering mess and my mum had to support me.... how ironic is that!!!!!!!! I always & always will think about him and all the things i missed out on and what my kids never knew.. Well of couse they never do, i don't know....
It always then comes back to my lovely darling sister, NOT!!!!!!!!
who wont have anything to do with us and how heartbreaking it is to know i have a sister and she wants nothing to do with me or my children... She is my only sibling and my kids are her only niece & nephews.....

What else exciting has been happening this week?????
I am working heaps more lately, i think it is starting to take a toll on my..
I am working Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Wednes. nights, Fridays, Friday nights, (the last 2 weeks) Saturday mornings (instead of sunday mornings) and Sunday nights... Also my extra 4hrs (poker machine clearance) every fortnight!!!!.... This week is going to be extra busy too, as it is the end of our financial year (we have always finished a month before the 'real' one!!!) so lots of stocktaking will have to be done!!!
THEN, the week after that, Matthew is going to Germany (for the Worldcup) so WOOOOHOOOOO, theres some extra hours at work that will have to be made up for... how great, NOT!!!!!!!!! oh and that's for a whole month, wooohoooo...

Oh bugger, i need to get to bed... Ive done nothing but whinge & complain & sulk in this post....
Its 11.30pm and we have a HUGE day tomorrow and i haven't even done a thing for it...
Dan has a gala day at Bellbird for soccer and we'll have to leave here at 7.30am.. I haven't even packed our lunches yet...
I haven't even washed the kids school clothes yet ready for the week and im sure we'll be at soccer all day tomorrow and then i have to go to work tomorrow night, wooohooo, great... can't wait....
I best go before i start to wilt even more... lol aren't a morbid sod!!!!