havin a down day..

ohhhhhhhhh...

im really procrastination here at the moment...
i have so much housework to do, but i just can't be bothered doing it, let alone starting it..
Which has been an on going thing for me of late..
(& my poor house is starting to feel it and so is the family..)

i have been having heaps of depressed state of minds lately and i just can't shake them...
i am so torn between things at the moment i don't know what to do or how to fix them..
its hard for me to write this, but it is something for me to put on paper (well screen i guess)
i think i might make my blog a little less public and hide it away so i can hide away my thoughts..

Things are really good with Brendan & I, but sometimes there not..
but everybody has times like that..
i think my biggest problem is, the main thing that tears most families apart is...
money...
but im not going to go into that, i know what the problems there is and don't need to write it down...
(at the moment)

I have another huge problem/hurdle i just can't jump over...
i think i want another baby????
i know that sounds a bit silly, but i just can't get over the thought of wanting another...
i don't feel complete, but maybe i will never feel that...
i can't keep on having baby's just to never have that feeling, gosh i could end up having 100??!!! huh!!!
Sadly though, there's more negatives out weighing the positives...
We definitely need a bigger house, there is no way we could fit another child into this
house.. If we have another child we would never be able to get the house we want for even longer.
I couldn't afford to have the mat. leave off that i would really want..
Having another child would put even more strain on our finances and would deprive the other 3
kids of what i want/can give them...
i know i shouldn't put so many negatives on a loving much wanted, beautiful little baby, but i really
do need to be realistic...
I also have a lot of what if's if i was to have another baby...
We already have 3 beautiful children, they are perfect in every way..
They have always been good kids, even when they were newborn babies, slept well right from the start
and were just happy good babies...
What if i was to jinx myself and have another baby and things were totally different to the other 3???
Oh gosh!!!!!!!!! i just don't know, my head is spinning out of control...

Work...
i am so over work.. but who isn't..
gosh im really sounding like a spoilt brat!!!
i really really don't want to work..
i know i am putting off doing the much needed housework, but i hate having only the one day off work,
where im suppose to be the 'housewife' and be chained to the kitchen sink and do all the motherly/wifey
chores...
I want to be able to be home everyday for my children..
i want to be able to do housework EVERYDAY!!!! (gosh that sounds funny!!!) but if i had everyday at home i
could get things done everyday..
I want to be able to cook a proper meal everyday and not be rushed around like a mad cow of an afternoon,
cause im trying to fit all the kids activities in.
I want to be able to sit & enjoy my hobbies. I love (& need) my hobby, but i just can't squeeze it in anywhere..
I want to be able to have the time to go out for a walk or take Jordan to the part when were home together,
or take the kids here, there & everywhere when it's school holidays, instead of organising babysitters (family)
for them for particular days while i have to work...
But, i have some debts i just can't jump over, i want a new house, i want my kids to still do all the activities they do,
have all the nice new clothes that they have, and sadly, i just have to work...

Speaking of my hobby..
i have let a few people down of late and i just can't shake myself into it..
i have more scrapping supplies than the shop up the road and i have so many photos that
i really want & can scrap, but i just can't get into any of it...
i think cause i have been feeling so extremely flat (& depressed) lately, i just don't think i deserve any
rewarding me time, so i just don't go near my (dusty) supplies....

gosh i rave on with crap..
i honestly think i should just shake myself, wake up and stop feeling sorry for myself...
tomorrow is my b'day, but it is just another day really..
I love to make b'days so special for kids when they have one, as they are just so disappointing when you get older.. lol
i think i need to make an appointment with my dr...
i need to get off my fat a*s and get some work down...
have a great day...

oh how weird is that...
i just got a text message off Brendan, right now...
Just incase i forget to tell you later, I LOVE YOU :o)

going now, cya..xx